Of birthdays and turning 1700

As you all know, yesterday was my birthday (and if you didn't know, shame on you!) I had a fang-tabulous day, full of cake and pressies and magical sparkly bats. Unfortunately I had to drag myself out of my coffin at noon in order to get my presents, but ... eh... it was worth it.

HERE! HAVE A LIST OF BIRTHDAY PRESSIES!

• 100 dollars from the parental units for my upcoming trip in May (I'mma be terrorizing the mortals in Calgary. Should be fun!)
• A lace choker with a pendant from one of my mortal friends, Darth Vlad Necromancer of Innocence. The pendant almost looks like a cross, but it isn't which means I can touch it without my skin burning. YAY!
• This magical magic-thingy cassette player type thingy for my car. Maybe now I'll actually drive more, instead of flying everywhere! (Eh... maybe not.)
• A necklace. With a pirate coin pendant! (From Mel, Melvin, Manny, Manfred... you know who you are.)

Wow... short list. I expected people to give me more things. Maybe I should threaten to drink their blood next time. Then they might stake me.... that wouldn't be too much fun.

Anyhoodle, yes, I am now seventeen! 'Cause I'm sweeter than sixteen! (Points for whoever knows where that line is from). Yet it's a bit bitter-sweet. Why? Because vampires are seventeen. REAL VAMPIRES are several hundred years old. They are world-weary and carry a sophisticated air of eras gone by.

In other words, VAMPIRES CAN'T BE TEENAGERS. Every time I tell someone that I am, in fact, an undead creature of the night, and I tell them my age they all come up with the same reaction:

"You can't be a vampire! You're too young!"

Oh, really now? Puh-lease! Everyone has to start somewhere! Dracula... Lestat... Fredward Cullen... they were all teenagers at some point! SO CALM DOWN. I'm a vampire now, and I'll still be one in a thousand years. And when that time comes I'll find you and dance on your grave and laugh and sing, because you're dead and I'm not 'cause I'm a vampire. So hah!

Wow... I'm feeling bitter. Think I'm gonna go snuggle up in my coffin now. Toodles, mortals!

HAPPY MOTHER-BLOOD-SUCKING HEART DAY MORTALS.

Yes, a Valentine's day post. Why? Well, why not?

I'm just kidding. This post will have nothing to do with the chocolates-and-hearts-and-flowers holiday that we all adore. Why? Because I'm single and I'm bitter. That's why.

Just a short post, because I feel like talking. About me, mostly.

Don't you just hate it when you know that something good is going to happen, yet you have to wait for it? It's that feeling that just fills you with immense ungodly rage, right?
Yes, my birthday's coming up soon, but not soon enough for my liking, no sirree-bob! All this waiting is threatening to make me go insane. In fact, I think it has driven me insane! So to pass the time I've been trying to entertain myself by:

• painting my nails (First black, then dark red. Then I ran out of the awesome vampire nail polish and had to steal some from The Little Sister. Yellow nail polish is... interesting. And hurts my eyes something fierce.
• considering making Valentine's cards and giving chocolate to my friends. But then I thought, why would I do that? Why would I waste perfectly good chocolate on them?
• cleaning my coffin (and the rest of my room while I'm at it).
• trying to curl my hair. That didn't work out too well...
• trying (yet again) to turn into a bat. I will have success! ONE OF THESE NIGHTS!

(Ain't my life interesting? Yeah...)

Well, that's about it for this update post. I'm feeling quite thirsty now. Gonna go hunt down someone to drink.

Toodles!

Serious business...

(... Is serious.)

I want you to do me a favour: look at your calendar. What day is it? January 25th. Hmmmm, I see... Now why is Lucidia making such a big deal of it? Oh, no reason.

Other than the fact that there is now (officially) one month until my birthday. Which, you know, isn't that big of a deal.....

...

...

...

Okay, I can't do this. IT'S A HUGE MOTHERSUCKING DEAL. SERIOUSNESS. I AM EXCITED. SERIOUSLY. I MADE A BIRTHDAY LIST YOU GUYS. THAT'S HOW EXCITED I AM.

Master Lucidia's Birthday List Extraordinaire:

1. A new coffin. My old one smells like a blood-drinking corpse. (You know... other than me.)
2. An iPod. What? Vampires like technology, too.
3. The ability to turn into a bat. I want this badly.
4. A CAPE! EVERY VAMPIRE NEEDS A CAPE.
5. Some more A- blood. I think it' s my new favourite.
6. World Domination. Just for the lulz.

Hmm. Short list is short. I must think of more things to ask people for!

Now, onto other matters. Matters that concern me greatly. And what may those be? Camera flashes.

Again with the seriousness people! Went for family photos the other day (which is torture even as a human!) Within fifteen minutes I was rolling on the ground, my vision blurry, hissing and spitting like an angry cat. The photographer was quite obviously disturbed. My mum on the other hand just rolled her eyes and said "Oh, she does this all the time. You should have seen her during our trip to the beach over the summer).

Not cool mom, not cool. Not my fault I'm a vampire, and am therefore extremely sensitive to light and crap like that. Speaking of which, the sun has set, which means it's time for me to go!

Blood to drink, villagers to terrorize!

Trust me on this one, mortals

If you have plans to become a vampire, lose those extra ten pounds first. You'll thank me for this.

Okay, okay, that's probably a little confusing. I'm sure you're all thinking, "Wait a minute, aren't vampires pretty? Why do I care if I have a few extra pounds to lose? As soon as I join the underworld I'll be perfectly BEAUTIFUL!"

No, no you won't.

Did you know that if a vampire with long hair gets it cut short, their hair will grow back to it's original length the next night? Yes, even if a vampire shaves his head, the very next night his hair will be back to what it was before, which is why a lot of vampires like wearing wigs to give them more variety. (I mean really, if you think having the same hairstyle since the 1980's is bad, imagine having the same since the 1580's.)

So if a vampire's hair grows back overday, guess what happens to their weight?

Yep. Even if they lose the weight, it'll come right back. Which sucks major blood. So before you decide to get bitten, eat a salad. Or two. Or ten. And do some sit ups.

You won't regret it.

Now, time for a rant:

If I'm fast asleep at 3:00 in the afternoon, DO NOT wake me up. I need my rest! I need it like I need blood. I do not need you coming in and pushing the lid of my coffin off, Luna. I don't need you jumping in and licking my face and acting so cheerful. Luna, you are a bitch.

Please note that I am talking about my dog. Yeah, she has a thing for jumping in my coffin. Not appreciated. Not appreciated at all. Which makes her a bitch in more ways than one.

WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?

You know, I never knew that vampires could get headaches. Well, apparently I can. I blame NaNoWriMo. It ate my brain. BUT AT LEAST I FINISHED MY NOVEL! JOYOUS OCCASION!

Now, some of you may be wondering just what my novel was about, right? Well I'll tell you one thing for sure: it's not about vampires. It's about faeries. And a cancer patient. And slaughtered goats. And a douche bag named Stephen. And an apparently insane kid covered in tattoos with an awesome Irish name. Yeah. My faeries are cooler than your faeries.

Anywho, an update of recent events that have been going on in my afterlife:

~I have discovered that I CAN NOT turn into a bat. Either that, or I've been Doin' It Wrong.

~I have discovered that I CAN fly. It happened when I fell from a perilous height (meaning a stepladder. What? Doesn't matter how high up it is, it's still frickin' scary when you fall.) So I fell, and when it got to the part where I was supposed to hit the ground... I didn't. I still have no real idea how it happened, it just did.

~I finally lined my coffin with velvet. Now when I slam my head against the lid, it doesn't hurt as bloody much.

~I have discovered that mixing a cup of caribou blood with a crushed candy cane tastes really, REALLY good, and is great for getting into the holiday spirit!

~I have also discovered that the easiest way to make a vampire go insane is to force them to listen to autotune rap music. Seriously. Our sensitive ears can't handle the madness.

Now, what else to talk about? What could I possibly type that's interesting enough that you humans will want to read it?

Well, nothing. I'm out.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

You know what I love? More than bloody smoothies, a walk through the cemetery under a full moon, or that new coffin smell? That one day of the year, when ghosts and goblins and faerie princesses stalk the earth in search of the sweet treats that will satisfy their unholy hunger, lest they play all sorts of devious and destructive tricks? Yes, I'm talking about Halloween.

But what do I love so much about this glorious day? Trick-or-treating? Not so much. Seeing as this year was the first time I went. Yeah. Long story. As for what this vampire does like about Halloween:

~Scary Godmother.

BEST. FREAKING. SHOW. EVER. SERIOUS BEANS YOU GUYS. For those of you who haven't seen it (which you should!), it's an animated holiday TV special that only comes on around October 31st, about a girl who meets a friendly witch (her "Scary Godmother"), and is transported to the realm known as the Fright Side, where she meets a whole host of monsters who seem creepy at first, but are actually really friendly. I suppose it teaches a lesson about not judging people based on how they look or some crap like that. I don't know. I just watch it because it's been my favourite Hallow's show since I was little. Oh, yes. Those vampires are damn awesome.

~Decor shopping.

Because, really. Do you guys know of any other time of the year when EVERY store will have fake black roses, rubber bats and plastic skulls to decorate my room with? Because if you do, you should tell me. That'd be pretty cool.

~I get to wear a costume...

...without actually wearing a costume. Yeah, I get to go out in full vampire garb: cape, fangs, blood-red eyes, "Save Gas Ride a Vampire" t-shirt. It's awesome. Plus, you puny mortals have no idea that I really am a ravenous, blood-thirsty walking corpse. Which is also awesome. Go me.

~The Monster Mash.

They play it on the radio. 'Nuff said.

Well, that is all for now! See you lovelies lay-tar!

FAQs... of doom. And stuff.

I can't avoid it any longer. I must... answer frequently asked questions. So, I turned to you, my mortal friends! And I must say, I was impressed. Some of your questions were really intelligent and well-thought out. Others were just plain stupid. I laughed at those. And then I laughed at you for asking them. (Just kidding... or am I?)

Now, where was I? Oh, right! Questions!

1) Do you sparkle in the sunlight?
Heck, no! That's border-line racist! (A fact that I have pointed out before).

2) So... do you burn in the sunlight?
Nope. It hurts my eyes and gives me sunburns, and makes me moody as hell, but other than that... no.

3) Will you turn me into a vampire?
What, and have you following me around for all eternity? Good God, no! (Perish the thought!)

4) Can you taste the difference between different blood types? What do they taste like?
Yes. It's mostly in the aftertaste, though. I find positive tends to taste more savoury, while negative more sweet. Both are quite delicious, though.

5) Do tastes differ between vampires? Like one preferring AB because its sweeter or something?
I'd prefer B+ KTHNX. It's bloody (no pun intended) amazing! Why? Because it tastes like heaven, that's why! As for other vampires, I know some find B+ gross, yet they love type O. Which is weird, because O is the grossest thing known to man. The aftertaste tastes like cough syrup and mint dental floss. So, yeah. Our tastes differ.

6) Are you a vegetarian vampire?
What's a vegetarian vampire? If you mean a vampire that only drinks animal blood, then no. I drink human. FYI, learn your terms before using them! Vegetarian vampires don't drink animal blood. Or most human blood. Vegetarian vampires drink the blood of vegatarian humans. Vegan vampires? The blood of vegans. Get your facts straight, please.

7) If you drink human blood,does that mean you attack humans?
Nope. All my blood is donated by hospitals. Rule number one of being undead: it pays to have connections to the medical industry. (All that blood you humans donate? Only a small portion goes to other humans in need.)

8) What kind of vampire are you? More Anne Rice or Dracula or (god forbid) Stephanie Meyer?
I actually don't know... I'm my own vampire, thank you very much! But if I had to choose, I'd say Anne Rice. Why? Because her vampires are AMAY-ZUH-ZING!

9) If you can change into a bat or other thing, does it hurt?
I've actually never tried that. I should sometime... it could be fun!

10)So... you won't make me like you? BUT I COULD MAKE A GOOD VAMPIRE!
I'm sure you could. However, if I were to turn you, you'd be my responsibilty. And I hate babysitting.

Well, now that that's over with, I shall retire back to my coffin. The sunlight seeping in through the curtains makes me want to hit someone, and then eat a pound of chocolate.

Until next time!