WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?

You know, I never knew that vampires could get headaches. Well, apparently I can. I blame NaNoWriMo. It ate my brain. BUT AT LEAST I FINISHED MY NOVEL! JOYOUS OCCASION!

Now, some of you may be wondering just what my novel was about, right? Well I'll tell you one thing for sure: it's not about vampires. It's about faeries. And a cancer patient. And slaughtered goats. And a douche bag named Stephen. And an apparently insane kid covered in tattoos with an awesome Irish name. Yeah. My faeries are cooler than your faeries.

Anywho, an update of recent events that have been going on in my afterlife:

~I have discovered that I CAN NOT turn into a bat. Either that, or I've been Doin' It Wrong.

~I have discovered that I CAN fly. It happened when I fell from a perilous height (meaning a stepladder. What? Doesn't matter how high up it is, it's still frickin' scary when you fall.) So I fell, and when it got to the part where I was supposed to hit the ground... I didn't. I still have no real idea how it happened, it just did.

~I finally lined my coffin with velvet. Now when I slam my head against the lid, it doesn't hurt as bloody much.

~I have discovered that mixing a cup of caribou blood with a crushed candy cane tastes really, REALLY good, and is great for getting into the holiday spirit!

~I have also discovered that the easiest way to make a vampire go insane is to force them to listen to autotune rap music. Seriously. Our sensitive ears can't handle the madness.

Now, what else to talk about? What could I possibly type that's interesting enough that you humans will want to read it?

Well, nothing. I'm out.

Not vampires, but very confused faeries.

We've all heard about it. That story, staring a young Mary Sue who meets and falls in love with a mysterious Marty Stu. After pages and pages of Mary Sue's descriptions on how gorgeous "Marty" is, she finally discovers the truth- he's a vampire.

...

Oh, really, now?

I first read this book as a human. And I loved it. The characters were one-sided, sure (hence the "Mary Sue"), and the plot left a little to be desired, yet my twelve-year-old mind was convinced that this story was good.

Now, however, I see things differently.

First and foremost, I must address the topic of sparkling. What the bloody hell was that? I never payed much attention to it before, but now that I happen to be one of the undead I find it insulting. It's border-line racist! The "vampires" in this book are obviously very confused faeries. Very, very confused faeries.

The topic of sparkling ticks quite a few vampires off. Why? Because once upon a time when you saw a vampire in sunlight, a human would ask "Why aren't you burning?" Now, they ask "Why aren't you sparkling?"

...?!

(Excuse me while I grit my teeth in annoyance and try to regain my composure.)

Granted, vampires don't burn in sunlight. We are nocturnal by nature and do happen to be sensitive to light, but we don't burst into flames. BUT SPARKLING?! Where'd you get that idea from? WHERE?! I've been trying to think of a logical explanation for this theory, but have found none. The closest I got was a Jamaican legend of a blood-drinking monster disguised as an old woman who would shed her skin at night and become a ball of light. But that's still closer to burning than sparkling.

Ugh.

Okay, I'm gonna drop this topic before things turn nasty and I start swearing like a drunken sailor. So how about we talk about the good things that came from this book?

Firstly, it has given me more confidence as a writer. I mean, seriously. If Smeyer can get published, I know I can! What does annoy me, though, is the fact that her book was written within three months. I've been working nearly three YEARS on my novel. Of course, I want my characters to have actual personalities. So. Yeah.

Another thing that makes me squeal with delight? Vampire-themed merchandise. Back when I was a human goth, I'd squeal with delight at the sight of a necklace with a vampire-fanged pendant, or a t-shirt with the phrase "Vampires Suck" on it. And now that I'm a vampire goth... well, I still pretty much squeal with delight. Though not as loudly. My squeals of delight are sometimes too high-pitched for mortal ears to handle. Yes, I roll my eyes at some merchandise, but for the most part it's fun. It makes me feel wanted, as I highly doubt I have to worry about being chased out of town by a mob with pitchforks and torches if my vampire-identity is discovered. People love the undead nowadays.

Hmm... well, that's all I can think up for good things. I'm still reeling over the whole "sparkling" nonsense. SHEESH!

So, the moral of this story: if you like sparkling faeries who think they're vampires and teenage girls with absolutely no thoughts of their own, then this book is right for you! (And me! ... What? Am I not allowed to like it?)