Changes and Friends

New blog layout! ('Tis fabulous, no? {Or would that be fang-ulous? I dunno...}) As well, my name has been changed. I am now Lucidia LeFang. Why, you are now asking yourself, did I change my name? The answer is quite simple, actually.

I've been hanging out with a lot of other fledgling fangs lately (they're all under 50 years old, which means they don't treat me like dung beneath their pointy-toed boots). (Yes, I hang with other vampires. I'll talk more about them later). Anyway, their names are Crowler, Rasputin, Alora and Brutus. Hardcore, I know. Those are their birth names, bytheway (I know right? I am TOTALLY jealous. But more on that later as well...) So we were talking, and they decided I needed a new name. One as flamboyant and boisterous and dark and mysterious as my vampire self.

Thus, Lucidia LeFang. I think it suits me well, don't you? Yes, yes you do. Or else.

Now, onto the information regarding my newfound vampiric pals. It all started one night while I was out flying. I'm not to good at flying yet, so I've been heading out on every clear night to practice. Unfortunately, that night I had accidentally run into a stray storm cloud, which messed around with my vision and sense of direction. And then I ran into Brutus.

It was a head-on collision, and we both hit the ground. Of course, since we're both immortal, we weren't hurt. But that didn't stop him from yelling at me, which was quite scary.

Let me tell you something: I'm a blood-drinking creature of the night. Do you think a lot of things scare me? No, not at all. But Brutus did. He's a good six-foot-four, with black eyes and the sharpest fangs I've ever seen. He has no hair (shaves his head) and was wearing a very matrix-style trench coat at the time. Anyway, he was yelling at me and making an un-Godly racket, but then he stopped. He smiled suddenly and said: "Oh, you're a vampire, too! My bad!"

Well no shit sherlock. I was just flying 'cause I'm a duck. (If it looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck, then it's obviously a vampire).

So anyway, he introduced himself. When I told him my name, he snorted and had to hold back a giggle or something, the ass. He then informed me that my name "wasn't very vampire" and proceded to mock me. Just like a jerk would. (As you can plainly tell, I don't like Brutus very much.) But since he was the first young vampire I'd ever met I decided to hang out with him. We flew around and he taught me the coolest tricks on how to avoid clouds and hitching rides on airplanes. He also taught me a thing or two about vamp-slang, because (apparently) that exists. We then flew back to his place (he has a very messy coffin, BTW. Worse than mine), which is where I met Alora, his girlfriend and the only girl in their group. And then Crowler and Rasputin showed up, and Brutus announced that I needed a new name.

The End.

I'm super excited that I met them, of course. I can FINALLY use the phrase "spooktacular" and not be stared at like a crazy person. We've hung out several nights, which is awesome to say the least. Now if only I could convince them to get facebook...

FOR THE CHILDREN.

*Stares at title* Wow... I'm creative.

First off, a message to kay-wathesmokelives, the dear little mortal who gave me a coffin-shaped iPhone. Or rather, a picture of a coffin-shaped iPhone, that I must now hunt down! I need one! I need one badly! (Anywho, thanks for that. I won't have to drain your blood now! *totally non-creepy smile*)

Now, onto the rest of this post. The topic? Child vampires. I, myself, am against child vampires. I mean, imagine it: being a two-hundred-year-old savage killing machine trapped in the body of a six-year-old. Nobody would take you seriously; everybody would treat you like a simpleton; you couldn't reach the top shelf at Wal-Mart no matter how hard you tried.

...

Well, maybe you could... it would just look really weird. A little kid climbing up the shelves? Now that's news-worthy.

I was turned when I was sixteen, which means I'm going to be trapped in the body of a sixteen-year-old forever. Which isn't that bad. I'm still fairly young, true, but I'm old enough to be seen as an adult, and I won't have to worry about little old ladies pinching my cheeks and cooing about how adorable I am.

There has been a recent uproar in the Vampire Community after the discovery of a three-month-old vampire. Yes, some sicko turned a three-month-old baby because she was "lonely and always wanted a daughter". However, what she failed to realize is that that poor child is going to be stuck at that age for an eternity. So you can see where the uproar started.

I, myself, am appalled by the very thought of that. The poor kid! What's going to happen to her? Only time will tell...

Most child vampires are the result of adult vampires desperately wanting children. Adorable little vampire children. "Of course," you may say. "Because vampires can't have children! It's perfectly understandable for them to do that!"

No, no it's not. Why? Because vampires can have children.

Well, actually, two vampires can't get together and make a baby for some odd reason, however mommy vampire+daddy human (or vice-versa)= human baby. (Yes, human, for reasons that escape my completely non-scientific in the least mind). It usually goes down like this:

Mommy Vampire and Daddy Human have Human Baby. Daddy Human will usually stay human for a little while to better take care of Human Baby during the day (without succumbing to nocturnal tendencies), and then Mommy Vampire will turn him into Daddy Vampire. They will raise Human Baby, who will grow into Human Child, Human Preteen, etc., all the while learning about their vampire heritage (and they'll probably sleep in a coffin). When Human Baby finally becomes Human Adult (usually between the ages of 19-25), they will be turned (by Vampire Parents, or another close vampire) UNLESS they want to make a baby with another vampire. They'll stay human for that. And the cycle will continue again...

Adoption's a more common practice, though. Adopt a baby (preferably a really young one who won't be freaked out when they realize that Mommy and Daddy drink blood), raise them to adulthood and then turn them when they're adults! YAY!

So, you see, turning a littlie isn't necessary. At all. It's quite sick, actually. I'm not the only one who thinks that: every other vampire I've spoken with thinks that.

Well, it's been an interesting couple of days. Now I must leave, and ask a few of my fellow undeads a few things about the Battle Of Tannenberg (history class is ace when you have pals who were actually present at the time! HELL YES!)

See you all soon!

Of birthdays and turning 1700

As you all know, yesterday was my birthday (and if you didn't know, shame on you!) I had a fang-tabulous day, full of cake and pressies and magical sparkly bats. Unfortunately I had to drag myself out of my coffin at noon in order to get my presents, but ... eh... it was worth it.

HERE! HAVE A LIST OF BIRTHDAY PRESSIES!

• 100 dollars from the parental units for my upcoming trip in May (I'mma be terrorizing the mortals in Calgary. Should be fun!)
• A lace choker with a pendant from one of my mortal friends, Darth Vlad Necromancer of Innocence. The pendant almost looks like a cross, but it isn't which means I can touch it without my skin burning. YAY!
• This magical magic-thingy cassette player type thingy for my car. Maybe now I'll actually drive more, instead of flying everywhere! (Eh... maybe not.)
• A necklace. With a pirate coin pendant! (From Mel, Melvin, Manny, Manfred... you know who you are.)

Wow... short list. I expected people to give me more things. Maybe I should threaten to drink their blood next time. Then they might stake me.... that wouldn't be too much fun.

Anyhoodle, yes, I am now seventeen! 'Cause I'm sweeter than sixteen! (Points for whoever knows where that line is from). Yet it's a bit bitter-sweet. Why? Because vampires are seventeen. REAL VAMPIRES are several hundred years old. They are world-weary and carry a sophisticated air of eras gone by.

In other words, VAMPIRES CAN'T BE TEENAGERS. Every time I tell someone that I am, in fact, an undead creature of the night, and I tell them my age they all come up with the same reaction:

"You can't be a vampire! You're too young!"

Oh, really now? Puh-lease! Everyone has to start somewhere! Dracula... Lestat... Fredward Cullen... they were all teenagers at some point! SO CALM DOWN. I'm a vampire now, and I'll still be one in a thousand years. And when that time comes I'll find you and dance on your grave and laugh and sing, because you're dead and I'm not 'cause I'm a vampire. So hah!

Wow... I'm feeling bitter. Think I'm gonna go snuggle up in my coffin now. Toodles, mortals!

HAPPY MOTHER-BLOOD-SUCKING HEART DAY MORTALS.

Yes, a Valentine's day post. Why? Well, why not?

I'm just kidding. This post will have nothing to do with the chocolates-and-hearts-and-flowers holiday that we all adore. Why? Because I'm single and I'm bitter. That's why.

Just a short post, because I feel like talking. About me, mostly.

Don't you just hate it when you know that something good is going to happen, yet you have to wait for it? It's that feeling that just fills you with immense ungodly rage, right?
Yes, my birthday's coming up soon, but not soon enough for my liking, no sirree-bob! All this waiting is threatening to make me go insane. In fact, I think it has driven me insane! So to pass the time I've been trying to entertain myself by:

• painting my nails (First black, then dark red. Then I ran out of the awesome vampire nail polish and had to steal some from The Little Sister. Yellow nail polish is... interesting. And hurts my eyes something fierce.
• considering making Valentine's cards and giving chocolate to my friends. But then I thought, why would I do that? Why would I waste perfectly good chocolate on them?
• cleaning my coffin (and the rest of my room while I'm at it).
• trying to curl my hair. That didn't work out too well...
• trying (yet again) to turn into a bat. I will have success! ONE OF THESE NIGHTS!

(Ain't my life interesting? Yeah...)

Well, that's about it for this update post. I'm feeling quite thirsty now. Gonna go hunt down someone to drink.

Toodles!

Serious business...

(... Is serious.)

I want you to do me a favour: look at your calendar. What day is it? January 25th. Hmmmm, I see... Now why is Lucidia making such a big deal of it? Oh, no reason.

Other than the fact that there is now (officially) one month until my birthday. Which, you know, isn't that big of a deal.....

...

...

...

Okay, I can't do this. IT'S A HUGE MOTHERSUCKING DEAL. SERIOUSNESS. I AM EXCITED. SERIOUSLY. I MADE A BIRTHDAY LIST YOU GUYS. THAT'S HOW EXCITED I AM.

Master Lucidia's Birthday List Extraordinaire:

1. A new coffin. My old one smells like a blood-drinking corpse. (You know... other than me.)
2. An iPod. What? Vampires like technology, too.
3. The ability to turn into a bat. I want this badly.
4. A CAPE! EVERY VAMPIRE NEEDS A CAPE.
5. Some more A- blood. I think it' s my new favourite.
6. World Domination. Just for the lulz.

Hmm. Short list is short. I must think of more things to ask people for!

Now, onto other matters. Matters that concern me greatly. And what may those be? Camera flashes.

Again with the seriousness people! Went for family photos the other day (which is torture even as a human!) Within fifteen minutes I was rolling on the ground, my vision blurry, hissing and spitting like an angry cat. The photographer was quite obviously disturbed. My mum on the other hand just rolled her eyes and said "Oh, she does this all the time. You should have seen her during our trip to the beach over the summer).

Not cool mom, not cool. Not my fault I'm a vampire, and am therefore extremely sensitive to light and crap like that. Speaking of which, the sun has set, which means it's time for me to go!

Blood to drink, villagers to terrorize!

Trust me on this one, mortals

If you have plans to become a vampire, lose those extra ten pounds first. You'll thank me for this.

Okay, okay, that's probably a little confusing. I'm sure you're all thinking, "Wait a minute, aren't vampires pretty? Why do I care if I have a few extra pounds to lose? As soon as I join the underworld I'll be perfectly BEAUTIFUL!"

No, no you won't.

Did you know that if a vampire with long hair gets it cut short, their hair will grow back to it's original length the next night? Yes, even if a vampire shaves his head, the very next night his hair will be back to what it was before, which is why a lot of vampires like wearing wigs to give them more variety. (I mean really, if you think having the same hairstyle since the 1980's is bad, imagine having the same since the 1580's.)

So if a vampire's hair grows back overday, guess what happens to their weight?

Yep. Even if they lose the weight, it'll come right back. Which sucks major blood. So before you decide to get bitten, eat a salad. Or two. Or ten. And do some sit ups.

You won't regret it.

Now, time for a rant:

If I'm fast asleep at 3:00 in the afternoon, DO NOT wake me up. I need my rest! I need it like I need blood. I do not need you coming in and pushing the lid of my coffin off, Luna. I don't need you jumping in and licking my face and acting so cheerful. Luna, you are a bitch.

Please note that I am talking about my dog. Yeah, she has a thing for jumping in my coffin. Not appreciated. Not appreciated at all. Which makes her a bitch in more ways than one.

WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?

You know, I never knew that vampires could get headaches. Well, apparently I can. I blame NaNoWriMo. It ate my brain. BUT AT LEAST I FINISHED MY NOVEL! JOYOUS OCCASION!

Now, some of you may be wondering just what my novel was about, right? Well I'll tell you one thing for sure: it's not about vampires. It's about faeries. And a cancer patient. And slaughtered goats. And a douche bag named Stephen. And an apparently insane kid covered in tattoos with an awesome Irish name. Yeah. My faeries are cooler than your faeries.

Anywho, an update of recent events that have been going on in my afterlife:

~I have discovered that I CAN NOT turn into a bat. Either that, or I've been Doin' It Wrong.

~I have discovered that I CAN fly. It happened when I fell from a perilous height (meaning a stepladder. What? Doesn't matter how high up it is, it's still frickin' scary when you fall.) So I fell, and when it got to the part where I was supposed to hit the ground... I didn't. I still have no real idea how it happened, it just did.

~I finally lined my coffin with velvet. Now when I slam my head against the lid, it doesn't hurt as bloody much.

~I have discovered that mixing a cup of caribou blood with a crushed candy cane tastes really, REALLY good, and is great for getting into the holiday spirit!

~I have also discovered that the easiest way to make a vampire go insane is to force them to listen to autotune rap music. Seriously. Our sensitive ears can't handle the madness.

Now, what else to talk about? What could I possibly type that's interesting enough that you humans will want to read it?

Well, nothing. I'm out.