The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

You know what I love? More than bloody smoothies, a walk through the cemetery under a full moon, or that new coffin smell? That one day of the year, when ghosts and goblins and faerie princesses stalk the earth in search of the sweet treats that will satisfy their unholy hunger, lest they play all sorts of devious and destructive tricks? Yes, I'm talking about Halloween.

But what do I love so much about this glorious day? Trick-or-treating? Not so much. Seeing as this year was the first time I went. Yeah. Long story. As for what this vampire does like about Halloween:

~Scary Godmother.

BEST. FREAKING. SHOW. EVER. SERIOUS BEANS YOU GUYS. For those of you who haven't seen it (which you should!), it's an animated holiday TV special that only comes on around October 31st, about a girl who meets a friendly witch (her "Scary Godmother"), and is transported to the realm known as the Fright Side, where she meets a whole host of monsters who seem creepy at first, but are actually really friendly. I suppose it teaches a lesson about not judging people based on how they look or some crap like that. I don't know. I just watch it because it's been my favourite Hallow's show since I was little. Oh, yes. Those vampires are damn awesome.

~Decor shopping.

Because, really. Do you guys know of any other time of the year when EVERY store will have fake black roses, rubber bats and plastic skulls to decorate my room with? Because if you do, you should tell me. That'd be pretty cool.

~I get to wear a costume...

...without actually wearing a costume. Yeah, I get to go out in full vampire garb: cape, fangs, blood-red eyes, "Save Gas Ride a Vampire" t-shirt. It's awesome. Plus, you puny mortals have no idea that I really am a ravenous, blood-thirsty walking corpse. Which is also awesome. Go me.

~The Monster Mash.

They play it on the radio. 'Nuff said.

Well, that is all for now! See you lovelies lay-tar!

FAQs... of doom. And stuff.

I can't avoid it any longer. I must... answer frequently asked questions. So, I turned to you, my mortal friends! And I must say, I was impressed. Some of your questions were really intelligent and well-thought out. Others were just plain stupid. I laughed at those. And then I laughed at you for asking them. (Just kidding... or am I?)

Now, where was I? Oh, right! Questions!

1) Do you sparkle in the sunlight?
Heck, no! That's border-line racist! (A fact that I have pointed out before).

2) So... do you burn in the sunlight?
Nope. It hurts my eyes and gives me sunburns, and makes me moody as hell, but other than that... no.

3) Will you turn me into a vampire?
What, and have you following me around for all eternity? Good God, no! (Perish the thought!)

4) Can you taste the difference between different blood types? What do they taste like?
Yes. It's mostly in the aftertaste, though. I find positive tends to taste more savoury, while negative more sweet. Both are quite delicious, though.

5) Do tastes differ between vampires? Like one preferring AB because its sweeter or something?
I'd prefer B+ KTHNX. It's bloody (no pun intended) amazing! Why? Because it tastes like heaven, that's why! As for other vampires, I know some find B+ gross, yet they love type O. Which is weird, because O is the grossest thing known to man. The aftertaste tastes like cough syrup and mint dental floss. So, yeah. Our tastes differ.

6) Are you a vegetarian vampire?
What's a vegetarian vampire? If you mean a vampire that only drinks animal blood, then no. I drink human. FYI, learn your terms before using them! Vegetarian vampires don't drink animal blood. Or most human blood. Vegetarian vampires drink the blood of vegatarian humans. Vegan vampires? The blood of vegans. Get your facts straight, please.

7) If you drink human blood,does that mean you attack humans?
Nope. All my blood is donated by hospitals. Rule number one of being undead: it pays to have connections to the medical industry. (All that blood you humans donate? Only a small portion goes to other humans in need.)

8) What kind of vampire are you? More Anne Rice or Dracula or (god forbid) Stephanie Meyer?
I actually don't know... I'm my own vampire, thank you very much! But if I had to choose, I'd say Anne Rice. Why? Because her vampires are AMAY-ZUH-ZING!

9) If you can change into a bat or other thing, does it hurt?
I've actually never tried that. I should sometime... it could be fun!

10)So... you won't make me like you? BUT I COULD MAKE A GOOD VAMPIRE!
I'm sure you could. However, if I were to turn you, you'd be my responsibilty. And I hate babysitting.

Well, now that that's over with, I shall retire back to my coffin. The sunlight seeping in through the curtains makes me want to hit someone, and then eat a pound of chocolate.

Until next time!

Not vampires, but very confused faeries.

We've all heard about it. That story, staring a young Mary Sue who meets and falls in love with a mysterious Marty Stu. After pages and pages of Mary Sue's descriptions on how gorgeous "Marty" is, she finally discovers the truth- he's a vampire.

...

Oh, really, now?

I first read this book as a human. And I loved it. The characters were one-sided, sure (hence the "Mary Sue"), and the plot left a little to be desired, yet my twelve-year-old mind was convinced that this story was good.

Now, however, I see things differently.

First and foremost, I must address the topic of sparkling. What the bloody hell was that? I never payed much attention to it before, but now that I happen to be one of the undead I find it insulting. It's border-line racist! The "vampires" in this book are obviously very confused faeries. Very, very confused faeries.

The topic of sparkling ticks quite a few vampires off. Why? Because once upon a time when you saw a vampire in sunlight, a human would ask "Why aren't you burning?" Now, they ask "Why aren't you sparkling?"

...?!

(Excuse me while I grit my teeth in annoyance and try to regain my composure.)

Granted, vampires don't burn in sunlight. We are nocturnal by nature and do happen to be sensitive to light, but we don't burst into flames. BUT SPARKLING?! Where'd you get that idea from? WHERE?! I've been trying to think of a logical explanation for this theory, but have found none. The closest I got was a Jamaican legend of a blood-drinking monster disguised as an old woman who would shed her skin at night and become a ball of light. But that's still closer to burning than sparkling.

Ugh.

Okay, I'm gonna drop this topic before things turn nasty and I start swearing like a drunken sailor. So how about we talk about the good things that came from this book?

Firstly, it has given me more confidence as a writer. I mean, seriously. If Smeyer can get published, I know I can! What does annoy me, though, is the fact that her book was written within three months. I've been working nearly three YEARS on my novel. Of course, I want my characters to have actual personalities. So. Yeah.

Another thing that makes me squeal with delight? Vampire-themed merchandise. Back when I was a human goth, I'd squeal with delight at the sight of a necklace with a vampire-fanged pendant, or a t-shirt with the phrase "Vampires Suck" on it. And now that I'm a vampire goth... well, I still pretty much squeal with delight. Though not as loudly. My squeals of delight are sometimes too high-pitched for mortal ears to handle. Yes, I roll my eyes at some merchandise, but for the most part it's fun. It makes me feel wanted, as I highly doubt I have to worry about being chased out of town by a mob with pitchforks and torches if my vampire-identity is discovered. People love the undead nowadays.

Hmm... well, that's all I can think up for good things. I'm still reeling over the whole "sparkling" nonsense. SHEESH!

So, the moral of this story: if you like sparkling faeries who think they're vampires and teenage girls with absolutely no thoughts of their own, then this book is right for you! (And me! ... What? Am I not allowed to like it?)

An Introduction of Sorts

So, yeah. That thing happened again this morning. I was peacefully asleep, when my dreams started going wonky. I won't get into the gruesome details, but I will let you know that it involved a clown, tuna casserole and Misha Collins (who you'd think would be a good thing to dream about). When I finally woke up (after having to face the horrors of tuna casserole dishes), I pulled the classic nightmare cliche and bolted upright and...

Smacked the top of my head on the lid of my coffin.

That really hurts. After nearly six months you'd think I'd be wise to the fact that my bed now has a lid, but NOOO! I'm constantly moving around in my sleep, hitting my head and arms. I wake up with random bruises. BRUISES! Coffins are hella dangerous to sleep in. But I must endure, for it is tradition.

...

Wait, this is probably weird. So, allow me to introduce myself:

Hi, I'm Lucidia, and aside from the fact that I wear all black, love reading horror and fantasy and mostly listen to industrial-gothic music from Germany, I'm a pretty normal teenager. Okay, maybe not. You see, I also happen to be a vampire. But I'm pretty normal for a blood-drinking corpse. Anywho, I was human up until six months ago. I drank smoothies, slept in a bed with rainbow bedsheets, and could run as fast as a speeding skateboarder. But one night everything changed....

I wish I had a romantic story. Like, I met a mysterious, handsome boy, fell in love with him, and when I discovered he was a vampire he decided to turn me too so we could be together forever. Pshaw, yeah, right! My story doesn't have a gorgeous undead dude or forbidden love. I was just a dumb kid who was in the wrong place at the very, very wrong time. And now, I drink blood, sleep in a coffin and run as fast as a speeding... something 'speedy', and I see the world for what it reall is: really, really funny.

...

Hmm... my head still hurts. I should put some padding on my coffin, yes.

...

Anyway, I'm sure you all have questions (don't lie! I know you do!): How exactly did you become a vampire? What's it like being a vampire? Will you turn me? Because I'm a nice person, and I have nothing better to do, I'll answer a few "FAQs".

"How did you become a vampire?"

That, children, is a story for another post.

"What's it like being a vampire?"

What's it like being human?

"Will you turn me into a vampire?"

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA... no.

"Do you sparkle?"

I'm not even going to go there...

Well wasn't that helpful? Now, if you don't mind I must be leaving. I'm thirsty, and there's a bag of AB positive in the fridge calling my name. Until next time, mortals! May the force be with you!