An Introduction of Sorts

So, yeah. That thing happened again this morning. I was peacefully asleep, when my dreams started going wonky. I won't get into the gruesome details, but I will let you know that it involved a clown, tuna casserole and Misha Collins (who you'd think would be a good thing to dream about). When I finally woke up (after having to face the horrors of tuna casserole dishes), I pulled the classic nightmare cliche and bolted upright and...

Smacked the top of my head on the lid of my coffin.

That really hurts. After nearly six months you'd think I'd be wise to the fact that my bed now has a lid, but NOOO! I'm constantly moving around in my sleep, hitting my head and arms. I wake up with random bruises. BRUISES! Coffins are hella dangerous to sleep in. But I must endure, for it is tradition.

...

Wait, this is probably weird. So, allow me to introduce myself:

Hi, I'm Lucidia, and aside from the fact that I wear all black, love reading horror and fantasy and mostly listen to industrial-gothic music from Germany, I'm a pretty normal teenager. Okay, maybe not. You see, I also happen to be a vampire. But I'm pretty normal for a blood-drinking corpse. Anywho, I was human up until six months ago. I drank smoothies, slept in a bed with rainbow bedsheets, and could run as fast as a speeding skateboarder. But one night everything changed....

I wish I had a romantic story. Like, I met a mysterious, handsome boy, fell in love with him, and when I discovered he was a vampire he decided to turn me too so we could be together forever. Pshaw, yeah, right! My story doesn't have a gorgeous undead dude or forbidden love. I was just a dumb kid who was in the wrong place at the very, very wrong time. And now, I drink blood, sleep in a coffin and run as fast as a speeding... something 'speedy', and I see the world for what it reall is: really, really funny.

...

Hmm... my head still hurts. I should put some padding on my coffin, yes.

...

Anyway, I'm sure you all have questions (don't lie! I know you do!): How exactly did you become a vampire? What's it like being a vampire? Will you turn me? Because I'm a nice person, and I have nothing better to do, I'll answer a few "FAQs".

"How did you become a vampire?"

That, children, is a story for another post.

"What's it like being a vampire?"

What's it like being human?

"Will you turn me into a vampire?"

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA... no.

"Do you sparkle?"

I'm not even going to go there...

Well wasn't that helpful? Now, if you don't mind I must be leaving. I'm thirsty, and there's a bag of AB positive in the fridge calling my name. Until next time, mortals! May the force be with you!