Things Every Human Dating a Vampire Should Know

Aw, love. Isn't it a wondrous, magical thing? Well, if you happen to be in love, then it is. If you aren't then it's bloody annoying stupid twitterpation. But it's never easy, no matter who you are. And it's especially difficult if your heart happens to belong to one of us undead bloodsuckers. There are certain things a human dating a vampire must watch out for and several things which making being in a relationship with a vampire a bit annoying at times (according to the humans I've spoken with):

1. Do they love you for you, or your blood? Okay, granted, a vampire is always going to love your blood. If they didn't, then they'd want nothing to do with you. But a vampire who cares nothing about your looks, personality, talents, etc, who disregards all of those for the smell and taste of your blood? Not a keeper.

2. Meeting the parents. Sure, nowadays with the rise of supernatural teen romance, vampire/human relationships are far more accepted, but that still doesn't mean your parents won't be at least a little concerned when they find out your beloved Vladimir is two hundred years older than you and drinks blood. On the flip side, imagine going to your vampire love's place to meet her parents. Yeah, and you thought meeting human parents was nerve-wracking.

3. Vampire hunters. I recently had a bit of an incident with one, and it took months for me to go back to my regular life and routine. Now you may think that, as a human, you're safe from hunters, but once you're involved (especially romantically involved) with a fang, the hunters will be all over you like a fledgling on a freshly butchered carcass (hunters have a tendency to kidnap the human in the relationship in order to set a trap for the vamp. I really do dislike hunters...)

4. The lifestyle change. And no, I'm not talking about being turned into a vampire, I'm talking about adopting the vampire lifestyle. Being nocturnal, mostly, but also things like wearing sunglasses under fluorescent lights and cooking your steak rare. If you spend time with a vampire then trust me, you'll have to make a few adjustments.

5. The danger, the danger is a given. I for one think that it's obvious, but I feel I must list it. Your beloved fang might accidentally slip and sink his fangs into your throat, or crush your body whilst giving you a hug (we don't always know our own strength, you see). Vampire hunters can also fall into the category of danger, as well as run-ins with other, less friendly vamps, werewolves, and, well... it's just dangerous. So be careful, dear mortals.

Well, that's all for now. Coming soon, a handy guide for vampires on how to deal with dating humans! Until then, I bid you a fond farewell.

Hiding Out (An Update)

I feel I should apologize for my extreme lack of posting. You know, in case there's anyone out there who actually reads these posts of mine. And I'm assuming there is, unless the no-posting thing has scared everyone away. Now, at the end of August I managed to get a job. Yes, a job. I am now a working vampire! It's not that easy, having to resist the urge to bare my fangs and hiss at any and all rude customers, but I do my best. I was feeling pretty good about myself at first, but then things changed.

One particular night, I noticed a customer acting rather strange. He was really jumpy, and I caught him staring at me. Not in that 'Oh hey, she's kinda hot' sort of way, but mostly in a way that spelled pure hatred. I didn't think much of it, and continued on with my work. But still, it bugged me. I became even more worried when I walked outside to my car (note: I drive to work, in order to keep up the human facade), and discovered that a cross had been keyed into the driver's door. Not sure what this meant, I texted Alora and asked her opinion on the whole ordeal. Her response?

"Get home now. Theres a vamp hunter after u."


That comment alone was enough to scare the batshit out of me. I hurried home and hid out in my coffin for several hours until Alora and Brutus came by. Sure enough, the guy giving me a death glare at work is a known vampire hunter. Since I'm still pretty much a fledgling, I didn't know that. And I'm sort of wishing I had, so I could avoid this whole ordeal.

So what happened after that? I had to hide out, become as human as possible. Which means that updating a tell-all vampire blog was off-limits. Fun, huh? Yeah, not really. These past few months have dragged by. I was beginning to think that I might have actually turned back into a human. Seriously.

But the hunters have moved on, and I am safe. Undead and unharmed. (You were all worried about me, weren't you? Yes, you were.) Which means that I'll hopefully be able to post more often. Unless another vampire hunter comes after me (but let's hope I learned from this experience...)

Of Vampires and Goth

Now, I'm going to tread lightly here. This post was inspired by a rather... interesting conversation I had a few days ago. Now, Goths are often type-cast as being vampire lovers, thought that isn't always the case. I personally know one who can't stand us fanged types (I haven't talked to her since I was turned... wonder how she'll feel about me?) Anyway, not all Gothy types like vampires. But that isn't our topic for today. The topic of this post is what do vampires think of those Gothy types?

Well, it's actually pretty divided. On the one hand, there are vampires who can't stand those black-clad types. Why? Well, for a few reasons:

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  Romanticizing the Lifestyle. Drinking blood out of a wine glass, draping yourself in black velvet, lounging in a coffin. It's so romantic to the dark at heart, which pisses a few vampires off. Way back in the day (and I mean way back) vampires were considered disease-ridden and disgusting. Even to this day, the vampiric lifestyle isn't all romantic. Some fanged types feel Goths are making a mockery of all the troubles we go through.


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  The Pose Level. There are times when it's really hard to tell who's a vampire and who's not. Some Goths are really good at hiding there humanity, to the point where it's almost scary. Which annoys some vampires; how do you know that it's really a fellow fang you're talking to, and not just some puny mortal? Not only that, but when you get a bunch of non-goths going on about how Goths are vampires. They're not. Well, not a lot of them.
  

Of course, most of the vampires who dislike Goths are old fuddy-duddy elitists. There isn't that much to hate, but they do it anyway. Now, as for the reasons why vampires like Goths:

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  The Acceptance: An entire subculture of people who (most of which) love vampires? Who believe that fangs are totally badass and sleeping in coffins isn't totally freakish? What's not to love? Okay, sure, so nowadays 'regular' teenage girls absolutely love all things vampire. But Goths are a lot less annoying than the twihards.


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  Their Origins: A large number of vampires turned since the 1980s were Goths, and probably still are. Myself included (I think it's one of the reasons I was attacked... but then again, what do I know?) So yes. A lot of Goths who act VERY MUCH LIKE THE UNDEAD could actually be undead. You never know...


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  A Place to Hide. Vampire hunters after you? Just head to the local ooky-spooky nightclub of doom! Those sissy hunters won't be able to tell who's a vampire and who's mortal! I mean, seriously. It's a great place to hide out for a while. Plus, the music is awesome.

Well, that's about it. There may be other reasons to love or to hate (or to strongly dislike), but those are the most common ones. A message to any Gothy types who come across a vampire who just does not like them: don't take it like a stake to the heart. There are plenty of other vamps out there who will find your fake fangs absolutely endearing.

As an off-note, remember when I said that a friend was basing a character in her book after me? You can read the first two chapters of Strange Bedfellows, the novel in question. The character Rai is completely amazing, don't you think?

The Problem with Buffy

Van Helsing. Blade. Buffy Summers. What do these people have in common? Well, first of all their names are hilarious. But they're also all vampire hunters. And that's the topic of today's post. Of course, it's not actually going to be about vampire hunters, more like a quick guide on how to get them to leave you the hell alone.

Now, from what I've heard during my short time as the undead, vampire hunters are pretty amusing. They stick to the 'old ways', believing that vampires burst into flame in sunlight and that the sight of a cross will throw us into a hissing tizzy. And yes, these generlizations are pretty funny (and a bit insulting), but that doesn't mean that vampire hunters shouldn't be approached without caution. If you think there's a vampire hunter in your area here are a few helpful tips to avoid being staked:

(First of all, realize that the easiest way to deter a hunter is by convincing them that you're human. Which is fairly easy, if you think about it.)

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  Lose the perfection. Yes, yes, your flawless skin and perfect vision and pearly-white teeth. Humans aren't perfect, which is why you shouldn't be either. For example, I occasionally wear fake glasses. I have perfect vision, so I don't need glasses at all. But, if a vampire hunter sees me wearing them, they'll think I'm a sight-challenged human. And that's good. If glasses aren't your thing, try different makeup effects. Acne is always a good choice, and if you're super pale you could try going for a tan. And I know one vamp who decided to get braces, but that's a little far for my taste. Who wants to mar their fangs with metal anyway?


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  Challenge their old-fashioned beliefs. Vampire hunters usually believe every old legend about the undead. So, let them see you outside in the sunlight! (Unless, you know, you happen to be one of those rare vampires who actually does burn in sunlight...) And, when I say go out in the sunlight, I don't mean while wearing a black hooded coat, carrying a parasol and wearing two pairs of ultra-dark sunglasses while complaining about how bright it is. We are going for human here, after all. You could also wear a cross (not one of those tiny gold ones on a thin chain, but a HUGE ASS one that will make your neck sore after wearing for a few hours. Just to make sure they see you're wearing it.) Eat a bunch of garlic, walk around while looking at your reflection in your compact mirror. Be creative! This kind of thing will confuse the hell out of them.


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  Read Twilight. Or any of those other vampire/human teen romance books. Apparently vampire hunters think we hate these books. We don't; we enjoy them for their comedic value. But still, carry a copy of one of these books around. It should do the trick.


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  Act as human as possible. Eat food, complain a lot, trip over things. If it's been a couple centuries since you last tripped over something, watch a few mortals and study how they do it.

I really hope this will help. The last thing I want to hear is that one of my own kind is now in a coffin permanently.

The Trials of being a "Halfling"

Two things before I get into the subject of this days post: first of all, your fledgling fang blog mistress is currently looking for a job. Which means I'm going to be putting a lot less effort into terrorizing the villagers and more into handing out resumes. Anyone know of any places that will hire a bloodsucking monster? Second of all, the lovely Miss from this blog is writing a novel with a character based on me! Oh, happy happy joy joy! I guess people actually do read my inane rambling nonsense!

Now, onto more important matters; that is, what I'm going to ramble about today. Why, half vampires, of course! Now if you've read one of my earlier posts, I stated that while two vampires can't have children, a human and a vampire can get together to have a human child. But where do half vampires fit in? Is there even such a thing?

When I first learned of the mating habits of vampires (doesn't that sound creepy?) and the whole 'mommy vampire + daddy human = baby human' thing, I assumed that there was no such thing as half vampires. That is, until just yesterday when I learned from Alora that half vampires do exists. And they're all around us.

It all has to do with genetics, basically. Recessive genes, homozygous traits and all that crap. Bascially, if two parents are carriers of a vampiric gene (because apparently that exists... Oh, the things you learn when hanging around the graveyard!) and they get together to make a baby, that baby will be what's known as a 'half vampire'. Now I have no idea why they're called 'half vampires'. Maybe it's easier than saying 'humans with a bit of vampire gene in them'?

As a further example, let's say that your great great great grandfather on your mother's side was a vampire. Over the years the vampiric nature was lost. Your mother is 100% human, but she still carries the vampire gene. Your father is the same; he's human, but he carries a vampire gene because someone, somewhere along the lines of his family was a vampire. Then your two carrier parents get together and have you. Their carrier genes get together and tada! You're a half vampire!

Typical signs of being a 'halfling' are:

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  Sensitivity to light. You probably burn extremely easily, you may have extreme photophobia, and all that.


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  "Night Owl-ism". You have a hard time sleeping at night. After all, daytime is the time for sleeping.


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  Super senses. Okay, so maybe your senses won't be exactly super, but you probably have better hearing than most people your age. The crappy beats and annoying voices of pop songs probably really get on your nerves, too.


• 
  
  An attraction to "spooky" things. There's a reason we vampires like coffins and black roses. Well, actually, there really isn't a reason. We just like them. And if you're the kind of human who reeeeally likes these things too well... you might just have a little vamp in you.

Now, say you are convinced that you are a half vampire. What should you do? Go drink blood? Jump off buildings in an attempt to fly? Um... no. Not at all. Because, remember, you're still human. Just because you've got some of the genes, doesn't mean you should be acting like a full vampire. That's pretty freaking dangerous don't you think? Just keep your head up high and hope that you'll one day meet your own prince of darkness who will turn you full-on fang.

The Vampire is Just Not that Into You (Review)

Yet another review (aren't you lucky?), this time for a book that I find very, very amusing. I first found it in my library's 'teen non-fiction' section, between books on how to deal with peer pressure and puberty. (Naturally it was later moved to the 'teen humour fiction' section.)

The Vampire is Just Not that Into You is written by Vlad Mezrich, a vampire and undead dating specialist, and this book is a handy guide for teenagers girls on, well, how to date a vampire.

The book is divided into three sections: part one deals with first of all snagging the vampire of your dreams. How can you tell if he's really a vampire, and not some mopey Goth kid? What are some ways to get his attention? Part two gives you tips on how to keep your vampire once you've started dating. And part three? Well, it's full of reasons why vampire-human relationships never work out and how it's always the human's fault ('cause, you know, you guys eat and breath and that can get annoying.)

Mezrich's work is full of quizzes, diagrams, charts and real-life testimonials from human girls and the vampires they've dated, and provides a ton of amusement (at least for me...). How do you dress when going to meet his parents? How should you act when hanging out with his (undead) friends? What are some behaviours of yours that really bother him? What are some items you should carry around in case the breakup gets really messy? This handy guide provides all the answers!

Now there are a few things I don't really like about this book (such as how vampire-human relationships never work out, when obviously they do), or how it mentions that vampires sparkle and play baseball (though that's probably just to make fun of a particular "vampire book series" that we all know and love). But I'm willing to put that aside and enjoy reading. I'd definitely recommend this to anyone who has thought about dating a vampire. Because remember girls: "Once you go vamp you never decamp".

Bloodsucking Legends from Around the World (Part I)

So, it's been over a month since I last posted, which means I am a very bad blog mistress. Which also means that, for the next few months, I'm going to be posting like a mad vampire. I have a lot of things to ramble about; you've been warned.

But first I must say that just recently I was on vacation with the family unit. I was outside for about ten minutes eating lunch one day, and the most horrible thing happened: I tanned. Oh, it is awful! That's the price a vampire has to pay; go outside for a few minutes and wind up with your skin a lovely shade of golden brown. Sigh. Well, while I go look up different skin lightening techniques, please enjoy this post on one of the creepiest vampire myths I have ever come across:

The Penanggalan

This particular legend originates from the Malay Peninsula. The Penanggalan is a detached female head capable of flying around while it's inner organs dangle beneath it (picture above; image courtesy of google images), and these organs apparently light up like fireflies as it flies through the night sky (Oh, maybe that's where the sparkly vampire thing came from! Pretty morbid if you ask me...)

According to folklore there are quite a few origins for the creature. The Penanggalan is often described as a beautiful woman who obtained beauty or supernatural powers through black magic or a pact with the devil. Naturally, this kind of thing rarely works out and the woman is forever cursed to be a blood-sucking monster. One version of the tale says that the Penanggalan was once a beautiful preistess who was taking a bath in a tub of vinegar. While bathing and being in a meditative state a man enters the room and startles her. She jerks her head to look up and it is pulled right off of her body. The priestess is engraged and attacks the man (i.e, her head flies at him). With this particular legend the Penanggalan carries an odour of vinegar wherever it flies.

Once daylight comes around the Penanggalan must soak it's organs in vinegar in order to shrink them so they may fit back into it's body. During the day the creature looks like a normal woman, and the only indication is that unmistakable vinegary scent.

The victims of the Penanggalan are traditionally pregnant women and young children. The Penanggalan will perch on the roof of a building where a woman is giving birth, screeching when the child is born. It will then insert a long, invisible tounge into the house to lap up the new mother's blood.


To protect against the Penanggalan, people would scatter the thornly leaves of a certain plant that would scratch and injure it's organs. Sometimes these leaves would be wound around window frames to ensare it. Families would plant pineapples underneath their houses (traditional Malay houses are built on stilts), and the prickly fruit would deter the Penanggalan from entering through the floorboards. Once captured a Penanggalan can be killed with a machete, and as an extra precaution pregnant women may sleep with scissors under her pillow, as the creature is afraid of them. Either that, or you find it's body and fill it with glass, therefore preventing the Penanggalan from returning to the body.


So yeah, that's about it. Pretty creepy, right? Excuse me while I go plant pineapples around my bedroom window...