The Problem with Buffy

Van Helsing. Blade. Buffy Summers. What do these people have in common? Well, first of all their names are hilarious. But they're also all vampire hunters. And that's the topic of today's post. Of course, it's not actually going to be about vampire hunters, more like a quick guide on how to get them to leave you the hell alone.

Now, from what I've heard during my short time as the undead, vampire hunters are pretty amusing. They stick to the 'old ways', believing that vampires burst into flame in sunlight and that the sight of a cross will throw us into a hissing tizzy. And yes, these generlizations are pretty funny (and a bit insulting), but that doesn't mean that vampire hunters shouldn't be approached without caution. If you think there's a vampire hunter in your area here are a few helpful tips to avoid being staked:

(First of all, realize that the easiest way to deter a hunter is by convincing them that you're human. Which is fairly easy, if you think about it.)

• 
  
  Lose the perfection. Yes, yes, your flawless skin and perfect vision and pearly-white teeth. Humans aren't perfect, which is why you shouldn't be either. For example, I occasionally wear fake glasses. I have perfect vision, so I don't need glasses at all. But, if a vampire hunter sees me wearing them, they'll think I'm a sight-challenged human. And that's good. If glasses aren't your thing, try different makeup effects. Acne is always a good choice, and if you're super pale you could try going for a tan. And I know one vamp who decided to get braces, but that's a little far for my taste. Who wants to mar their fangs with metal anyway?


• 
  
  Challenge their old-fashioned beliefs. Vampire hunters usually believe every old legend about the undead. So, let them see you outside in the sunlight! (Unless, you know, you happen to be one of those rare vampires who actually does burn in sunlight...) And, when I say go out in the sunlight, I don't mean while wearing a black hooded coat, carrying a parasol and wearing two pairs of ultra-dark sunglasses while complaining about how bright it is. We are going for human here, after all. You could also wear a cross (not one of those tiny gold ones on a thin chain, but a HUGE ASS one that will make your neck sore after wearing for a few hours. Just to make sure they see you're wearing it.) Eat a bunch of garlic, walk around while looking at your reflection in your compact mirror. Be creative! This kind of thing will confuse the hell out of them.


• 
  
  Read Twilight. Or any of those other vampire/human teen romance books. Apparently vampire hunters think we hate these books. We don't; we enjoy them for their comedic value. But still, carry a copy of one of these books around. It should do the trick.


• 
  
  Act as human as possible. Eat food, complain a lot, trip over things. If it's been a couple centuries since you last tripped over something, watch a few mortals and study how they do it.

I really hope this will help. The last thing I want to hear is that one of my own kind is now in a coffin permanently.