Things Every Human Dating a Vampire Should Know

Aw, love. Isn't it a wondrous, magical thing? Well, if you happen to be in love, then it is. If you aren't then it's bloody annoying stupid twitterpation. But it's never easy, no matter who you are. And it's especially difficult if your heart happens to belong to one of us undead bloodsuckers. There are certain things a human dating a vampire must watch out for and several things which making being in a relationship with a vampire a bit annoying at times (according to the humans I've spoken with):

1. Do they love you for you, or your blood? Okay, granted, a vampire is always going to love your blood. If they didn't, then they'd want nothing to do with you. But a vampire who cares nothing about your looks, personality, talents, etc, who disregards all of those for the smell and taste of your blood? Not a keeper.

2. Meeting the parents. Sure, nowadays with the rise of supernatural teen romance, vampire/human relationships are far more accepted, but that still doesn't mean your parents won't be at least a little concerned when they find out your beloved Vladimir is two hundred years older than you and drinks blood. On the flip side, imagine going to your vampire love's place to meet her parents. Yeah, and you thought meeting human parents was nerve-wracking.

3. Vampire hunters. I recently had a bit of an incident with one, and it took months for me to go back to my regular life and routine. Now you may think that, as a human, you're safe from hunters, but once you're involved (especially romantically involved) with a fang, the hunters will be all over you like a fledgling on a freshly butchered carcass (hunters have a tendency to kidnap the human in the relationship in order to set a trap for the vamp. I really do dislike hunters...)

4. The lifestyle change. And no, I'm not talking about being turned into a vampire, I'm talking about adopting the vampire lifestyle. Being nocturnal, mostly, but also things like wearing sunglasses under fluorescent lights and cooking your steak rare. If you spend time with a vampire then trust me, you'll have to make a few adjustments.

5. The danger, the danger is a given. I for one think that it's obvious, but I feel I must list it. Your beloved fang might accidentally slip and sink his fangs into your throat, or crush your body whilst giving you a hug (we don't always know our own strength, you see). Vampire hunters can also fall into the category of danger, as well as run-ins with other, less friendly vamps, werewolves, and, well... it's just dangerous. So be careful, dear mortals.

Well, that's all for now. Coming soon, a handy guide for vampires on how to deal with dating humans! Until then, I bid you a fond farewell.

Of Vampires and Goth

Now, I'm going to tread lightly here. This post was inspired by a rather... interesting conversation I had a few days ago. Now, Goths are often type-cast as being vampire lovers, thought that isn't always the case. I personally know one who can't stand us fanged types (I haven't talked to her since I was turned... wonder how she'll feel about me?) Anyway, not all Gothy types like vampires. But that isn't our topic for today. The topic of this post is what do vampires think of those Gothy types?

Well, it's actually pretty divided. On the one hand, there are vampires who can't stand those black-clad types. Why? Well, for a few reasons:

• 
  
  Romanticizing the Lifestyle. Drinking blood out of a wine glass, draping yourself in black velvet, lounging in a coffin. It's so romantic to the dark at heart, which pisses a few vampires off. Way back in the day (and I mean way back) vampires were considered disease-ridden and disgusting. Even to this day, the vampiric lifestyle isn't all romantic. Some fanged types feel Goths are making a mockery of all the troubles we go through.


• 
  
  The Pose Level. There are times when it's really hard to tell who's a vampire and who's not. Some Goths are really good at hiding there humanity, to the point where it's almost scary. Which annoys some vampires; how do you know that it's really a fellow fang you're talking to, and not just some puny mortal? Not only that, but when you get a bunch of non-goths going on about how Goths are vampires. They're not. Well, not a lot of them.
  

Of course, most of the vampires who dislike Goths are old fuddy-duddy elitists. There isn't that much to hate, but they do it anyway. Now, as for the reasons why vampires like Goths:

• 
  
  The Acceptance: An entire subculture of people who (most of which) love vampires? Who believe that fangs are totally badass and sleeping in coffins isn't totally freakish? What's not to love? Okay, sure, so nowadays 'regular' teenage girls absolutely love all things vampire. But Goths are a lot less annoying than the twihards.


• 
  
  Their Origins: A large number of vampires turned since the 1980s were Goths, and probably still are. Myself included (I think it's one of the reasons I was attacked... but then again, what do I know?) So yes. A lot of Goths who act VERY MUCH LIKE THE UNDEAD could actually be undead. You never know...


• 
  
  A Place to Hide. Vampire hunters after you? Just head to the local ooky-spooky nightclub of doom! Those sissy hunters won't be able to tell who's a vampire and who's mortal! I mean, seriously. It's a great place to hide out for a while. Plus, the music is awesome.

Well, that's about it. There may be other reasons to love or to hate (or to strongly dislike), but those are the most common ones. A message to any Gothy types who come across a vampire who just does not like them: don't take it like a stake to the heart. There are plenty of other vamps out there who will find your fake fangs absolutely endearing.

As an off-note, remember when I said that a friend was basing a character in her book after me? You can read the first two chapters of Strange Bedfellows, the novel in question. The character Rai is completely amazing, don't you think?

The Problem with Buffy

Van Helsing. Blade. Buffy Summers. What do these people have in common? Well, first of all their names are hilarious. But they're also all vampire hunters. And that's the topic of today's post. Of course, it's not actually going to be about vampire hunters, more like a quick guide on how to get them to leave you the hell alone.

Now, from what I've heard during my short time as the undead, vampire hunters are pretty amusing. They stick to the 'old ways', believing that vampires burst into flame in sunlight and that the sight of a cross will throw us into a hissing tizzy. And yes, these generlizations are pretty funny (and a bit insulting), but that doesn't mean that vampire hunters shouldn't be approached without caution. If you think there's a vampire hunter in your area here are a few helpful tips to avoid being staked:

(First of all, realize that the easiest way to deter a hunter is by convincing them that you're human. Which is fairly easy, if you think about it.)

• 
  
  Lose the perfection. Yes, yes, your flawless skin and perfect vision and pearly-white teeth. Humans aren't perfect, which is why you shouldn't be either. For example, I occasionally wear fake glasses. I have perfect vision, so I don't need glasses at all. But, if a vampire hunter sees me wearing them, they'll think I'm a sight-challenged human. And that's good. If glasses aren't your thing, try different makeup effects. Acne is always a good choice, and if you're super pale you could try going for a tan. And I know one vamp who decided to get braces, but that's a little far for my taste. Who wants to mar their fangs with metal anyway?


• 
  
  Challenge their old-fashioned beliefs. Vampire hunters usually believe every old legend about the undead. So, let them see you outside in the sunlight! (Unless, you know, you happen to be one of those rare vampires who actually does burn in sunlight...) And, when I say go out in the sunlight, I don't mean while wearing a black hooded coat, carrying a parasol and wearing two pairs of ultra-dark sunglasses while complaining about how bright it is. We are going for human here, after all. You could also wear a cross (not one of those tiny gold ones on a thin chain, but a HUGE ASS one that will make your neck sore after wearing for a few hours. Just to make sure they see you're wearing it.) Eat a bunch of garlic, walk around while looking at your reflection in your compact mirror. Be creative! This kind of thing will confuse the hell out of them.


• 
  
  Read Twilight. Or any of those other vampire/human teen romance books. Apparently vampire hunters think we hate these books. We don't; we enjoy them for their comedic value. But still, carry a copy of one of these books around. It should do the trick.


• 
  
  Act as human as possible. Eat food, complain a lot, trip over things. If it's been a couple centuries since you last tripped over something, watch a few mortals and study how they do it.

I really hope this will help. The last thing I want to hear is that one of my own kind is now in a coffin permanently.

The Trials of being a "Halfling"

Two things before I get into the subject of this days post: first of all, your fledgling fang blog mistress is currently looking for a job. Which means I'm going to be putting a lot less effort into terrorizing the villagers and more into handing out resumes. Anyone know of any places that will hire a bloodsucking monster? Second of all, the lovely Miss from this blog is writing a novel with a character based on me! Oh, happy happy joy joy! I guess people actually do read my inane rambling nonsense!

Now, onto more important matters; that is, what I'm going to ramble about today. Why, half vampires, of course! Now if you've read one of my earlier posts, I stated that while two vampires can't have children, a human and a vampire can get together to have a human child. But where do half vampires fit in? Is there even such a thing?

When I first learned of the mating habits of vampires (doesn't that sound creepy?) and the whole 'mommy vampire + daddy human = baby human' thing, I assumed that there was no such thing as half vampires. That is, until just yesterday when I learned from Alora that half vampires do exists. And they're all around us.

It all has to do with genetics, basically. Recessive genes, homozygous traits and all that crap. Bascially, if two parents are carriers of a vampiric gene (because apparently that exists... Oh, the things you learn when hanging around the graveyard!) and they get together to make a baby, that baby will be what's known as a 'half vampire'. Now I have no idea why they're called 'half vampires'. Maybe it's easier than saying 'humans with a bit of vampire gene in them'?

As a further example, let's say that your great great great grandfather on your mother's side was a vampire. Over the years the vampiric nature was lost. Your mother is 100% human, but she still carries the vampire gene. Your father is the same; he's human, but he carries a vampire gene because someone, somewhere along the lines of his family was a vampire. Then your two carrier parents get together and have you. Their carrier genes get together and tada! You're a half vampire!

Typical signs of being a 'halfling' are:

• 
  
  Sensitivity to light. You probably burn extremely easily, you may have extreme photophobia, and all that.


• 
  
  "Night Owl-ism". You have a hard time sleeping at night. After all, daytime is the time for sleeping.


• 
  
  Super senses. Okay, so maybe your senses won't be exactly super, but you probably have better hearing than most people your age. The crappy beats and annoying voices of pop songs probably really get on your nerves, too.


• 
  
  An attraction to "spooky" things. There's a reason we vampires like coffins and black roses. Well, actually, there really isn't a reason. We just like them. And if you're the kind of human who reeeeally likes these things too well... you might just have a little vamp in you.

Now, say you are convinced that you are a half vampire. What should you do? Go drink blood? Jump off buildings in an attempt to fly? Um... no. Not at all. Because, remember, you're still human. Just because you've got some of the genes, doesn't mean you should be acting like a full vampire. That's pretty freaking dangerous don't you think? Just keep your head up high and hope that you'll one day meet your own prince of darkness who will turn you full-on fang.

"Mom... dad.... I'm a vampire"

So I wanted on doing a post for World Goth Day, however I was not at home at the time. I was at Otafest, decked out in stripey tights, a poofy skirt with a pocket watch dangling from my belt, hanging out with a bunch of Goth/Raver-type guys who found great joy in party boying a man dressed like Captain Jack Sparrow. They gave me lots of hugs and were rather... interested in my parasol. Hhmm... (Pictured above is a photo of me taken on that day by a friend {Hakuuuu~♥}. Yes, yes. Photograph of a vampire. Yes it's very special and amazing. Oh, wait. No it isn't.)

Anyway, on to other important matters: Just yesterday myself and a few other teen fangs were having a serious discussion. Okay, so, maybe at the time it wasn't that serious, what with us giggling and all that. But after wards, relaxing in my coffin later that evening, I couldn't help but think of the magnitude of what we were talking about. And just what were we talking about, you may ask? Why, coming out of the coffin! Obviously, that phrase is used to describe the act of telling your friends, family, coworkers and any other morals close to you the truth about your vampiric identity (that you are, in fact, a vampire).

Ah, my coming out story. Naturally, I had a love for dark clothing and vampires since before I actually joined the ranks of the undead, so my parents weren't really surprised. At all. A little wary at first, but that's to be expected.

But what about the hordes of other fangs, whose parents may not be so ready to accept their coffins 'n' blood lifestyle, or who may worry that their friends may delete them from facebook because they no longer have the desire to get a tan? Because I am such a nice person (heh heh heh...) I've decided to put together a handy little guide line of things to do when coming out of the coffin:

1) Do your research There's a picture of me front and center in this post. Which means that, yes, we can be photographed. We have reflections, and though we are nocturnal and don't like sunlight doesn't mean we burst into flames in it. Spend some time learning; try to meet other vampires in your area (it's actually not that hard. Just fly around sometime after midnight. You're bound to run into someone). Spend some time outdoors to test your tolerance to sunlight (everyone differs), as well as other things such as garlic, bells and crosses. The more vampire myths that you can prove wrong, the better.

2) Prepare your supplies! Blood is, of course, mandatory. Whether you like it or not. Of course, hunting down humans on the street is very not commonplace today, and could get you into a heapload of trouble. So don't do it. Ties to the hospitals and butchers are good (if you aren't sure about how to go about doing this, ask a few other vampires for help. Chances are they have connections). Same goes for coffins. Coffins can be very expensive. I happen to know a few people who can hook me up with a new casket for a reasonable price. If anybody wants to know names, feel free to contact me.

3) Avoid Halloween This is obvious. Avoid coming out around or on Halloween, or they'll think it's just a joke. Same goes for April Fool's Day or after you've just watched a Twilight marathon.

4) Keep calm and compromise Yes, I know. It's scary. Just keep your voice calm, don't get your cape in a not and don't threaten to drain their blood and you should be fine. Explain that you're still their daughter/son/employee and that you are still the same person, just with fangs. You can set up rules: no drinking blood from your coffee cup except during break time, your coffin has to be kept out of sight of visitors, etc. Whatever makes everyone feel more comfortable with having a vampire in the family.

Well, that's about it. Hope some of you got some useful information from this (you should be thanking me for this!) Until next time...

April 20th, 1912

While most of the inferior beings are today celebrating four-twenty or whatever it is, I (and several other vampires like me) are celebrating (or, in some cases, mourning) the death of Bram Stoker.






Jus' sayin'.

Changes and Friends

New blog layout! ('Tis fabulous, no? {Or would that be fang-ulous? I dunno...}) As well, my name has been changed. I am now Lucidia LeFang. Why, you are now asking yourself, did I change my name? The answer is quite simple, actually.

I've been hanging out with a lot of other fledgling fangs lately (they're all under 50 years old, which means they don't treat me like dung beneath their pointy-toed boots). (Yes, I hang with other vampires. I'll talk more about them later). Anyway, their names are Crowler, Rasputin, Alora and Brutus. Hardcore, I know. Those are their birth names, bytheway (I know right? I am TOTALLY jealous. But more on that later as well...) So we were talking, and they decided I needed a new name. One as flamboyant and boisterous and dark and mysterious as my vampire self.

Thus, Lucidia LeFang. I think it suits me well, don't you? Yes, yes you do. Or else.

Now, onto the information regarding my newfound vampiric pals. It all started one night while I was out flying. I'm not to good at flying yet, so I've been heading out on every clear night to practice. Unfortunately, that night I had accidentally run into a stray storm cloud, which messed around with my vision and sense of direction. And then I ran into Brutus.

It was a head-on collision, and we both hit the ground. Of course, since we're both immortal, we weren't hurt. But that didn't stop him from yelling at me, which was quite scary.

Let me tell you something: I'm a blood-drinking creature of the night. Do you think a lot of things scare me? No, not at all. But Brutus did. He's a good six-foot-four, with black eyes and the sharpest fangs I've ever seen. He has no hair (shaves his head) and was wearing a very matrix-style trench coat at the time. Anyway, he was yelling at me and making an un-Godly racket, but then he stopped. He smiled suddenly and said: "Oh, you're a vampire, too! My bad!"

Well no shit sherlock. I was just flying 'cause I'm a duck. (If it looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck, then it's obviously a vampire).

So anyway, he introduced himself. When I told him my name, he snorted and had to hold back a giggle or something, the ass. He then informed me that my name "wasn't very vampire" and proceded to mock me. Just like a jerk would. (As you can plainly tell, I don't like Brutus very much.) But since he was the first young vampire I'd ever met I decided to hang out with him. We flew around and he taught me the coolest tricks on how to avoid clouds and hitching rides on airplanes. He also taught me a thing or two about vamp-slang, because (apparently) that exists. We then flew back to his place (he has a very messy coffin, BTW. Worse than mine), which is where I met Alora, his girlfriend and the only girl in their group. And then Crowler and Rasputin showed up, and Brutus announced that I needed a new name.

The End.

I'm super excited that I met them, of course. I can FINALLY use the phrase "spooktacular" and not be stared at like a crazy person. We've hung out several nights, which is awesome to say the least. Now if only I could convince them to get facebook...

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

You know what I love? More than bloody smoothies, a walk through the cemetery under a full moon, or that new coffin smell? That one day of the year, when ghosts and goblins and faerie princesses stalk the earth in search of the sweet treats that will satisfy their unholy hunger, lest they play all sorts of devious and destructive tricks? Yes, I'm talking about Halloween.

But what do I love so much about this glorious day? Trick-or-treating? Not so much. Seeing as this year was the first time I went. Yeah. Long story. As for what this vampire does like about Halloween:

~Scary Godmother.

BEST. FREAKING. SHOW. EVER. SERIOUS BEANS YOU GUYS. For those of you who haven't seen it (which you should!), it's an animated holiday TV special that only comes on around October 31st, about a girl who meets a friendly witch (her "Scary Godmother"), and is transported to the realm known as the Fright Side, where she meets a whole host of monsters who seem creepy at first, but are actually really friendly. I suppose it teaches a lesson about not judging people based on how they look or some crap like that. I don't know. I just watch it because it's been my favourite Hallow's show since I was little. Oh, yes. Those vampires are damn awesome.

~Decor shopping.

Because, really. Do you guys know of any other time of the year when EVERY store will have fake black roses, rubber bats and plastic skulls to decorate my room with? Because if you do, you should tell me. That'd be pretty cool.

~I get to wear a costume...

...without actually wearing a costume. Yeah, I get to go out in full vampire garb: cape, fangs, blood-red eyes, "Save Gas Ride a Vampire" t-shirt. It's awesome. Plus, you puny mortals have no idea that I really am a ravenous, blood-thirsty walking corpse. Which is also awesome. Go me.

~The Monster Mash.

They play it on the radio. 'Nuff said.

Well, that is all for now! See you lovelies lay-tar!

An Introduction of Sorts

So, yeah. That thing happened again this morning. I was peacefully asleep, when my dreams started going wonky. I won't get into the gruesome details, but I will let you know that it involved a clown, tuna casserole and Misha Collins (who you'd think would be a good thing to dream about). When I finally woke up (after having to face the horrors of tuna casserole dishes), I pulled the classic nightmare cliche and bolted upright and...

Smacked the top of my head on the lid of my coffin.

That really hurts. After nearly six months you'd think I'd be wise to the fact that my bed now has a lid, but NOOO! I'm constantly moving around in my sleep, hitting my head and arms. I wake up with random bruises. BRUISES! Coffins are hella dangerous to sleep in. But I must endure, for it is tradition.

...

Wait, this is probably weird. So, allow me to introduce myself:

Hi, I'm Lucidia, and aside from the fact that I wear all black, love reading horror and fantasy and mostly listen to industrial-gothic music from Germany, I'm a pretty normal teenager. Okay, maybe not. You see, I also happen to be a vampire. But I'm pretty normal for a blood-drinking corpse. Anywho, I was human up until six months ago. I drank smoothies, slept in a bed with rainbow bedsheets, and could run as fast as a speeding skateboarder. But one night everything changed....

I wish I had a romantic story. Like, I met a mysterious, handsome boy, fell in love with him, and when I discovered he was a vampire he decided to turn me too so we could be together forever. Pshaw, yeah, right! My story doesn't have a gorgeous undead dude or forbidden love. I was just a dumb kid who was in the wrong place at the very, very wrong time. And now, I drink blood, sleep in a coffin and run as fast as a speeding... something 'speedy', and I see the world for what it reall is: really, really funny.

...

Hmm... my head still hurts. I should put some padding on my coffin, yes.

...

Anyway, I'm sure you all have questions (don't lie! I know you do!): How exactly did you become a vampire? What's it like being a vampire? Will you turn me? Because I'm a nice person, and I have nothing better to do, I'll answer a few "FAQs".

"How did you become a vampire?"

That, children, is a story for another post.

"What's it like being a vampire?"

What's it like being human?

"Will you turn me into a vampire?"

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA... no.

"Do you sparkle?"

I'm not even going to go there...

Well wasn't that helpful? Now, if you don't mind I must be leaving. I'm thirsty, and there's a bag of AB positive in the fridge calling my name. Until next time, mortals! May the force be with you!