The Problem with Buffy

Van Helsing. Blade. Buffy Summers. What do these people have in common? Well, first of all their names are hilarious. But they're also all vampire hunters. And that's the topic of today's post. Of course, it's not actually going to be about vampire hunters, more like a quick guide on how to get them to leave you the hell alone.

Now, from what I've heard during my short time as the undead, vampire hunters are pretty amusing. They stick to the 'old ways', believing that vampires burst into flame in sunlight and that the sight of a cross will throw us into a hissing tizzy. And yes, these generlizations are pretty funny (and a bit insulting), but that doesn't mean that vampire hunters shouldn't be approached without caution. If you think there's a vampire hunter in your area here are a few helpful tips to avoid being staked:

(First of all, realize that the easiest way to deter a hunter is by convincing them that you're human. Which is fairly easy, if you think about it.)

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  Lose the perfection. Yes, yes, your flawless skin and perfect vision and pearly-white teeth. Humans aren't perfect, which is why you shouldn't be either. For example, I occasionally wear fake glasses. I have perfect vision, so I don't need glasses at all. But, if a vampire hunter sees me wearing them, they'll think I'm a sight-challenged human. And that's good. If glasses aren't your thing, try different makeup effects. Acne is always a good choice, and if you're super pale you could try going for a tan. And I know one vamp who decided to get braces, but that's a little far for my taste. Who wants to mar their fangs with metal anyway?


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  Challenge their old-fashioned beliefs. Vampire hunters usually believe every old legend about the undead. So, let them see you outside in the sunlight! (Unless, you know, you happen to be one of those rare vampires who actually does burn in sunlight...) And, when I say go out in the sunlight, I don't mean while wearing a black hooded coat, carrying a parasol and wearing two pairs of ultra-dark sunglasses while complaining about how bright it is. We are going for human here, after all. You could also wear a cross (not one of those tiny gold ones on a thin chain, but a HUGE ASS one that will make your neck sore after wearing for a few hours. Just to make sure they see you're wearing it.) Eat a bunch of garlic, walk around while looking at your reflection in your compact mirror. Be creative! This kind of thing will confuse the hell out of them.


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  Read Twilight. Or any of those other vampire/human teen romance books. Apparently vampire hunters think we hate these books. We don't; we enjoy them for their comedic value. But still, carry a copy of one of these books around. It should do the trick.


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  Act as human as possible. Eat food, complain a lot, trip over things. If it's been a couple centuries since you last tripped over something, watch a few mortals and study how they do it.

I really hope this will help. The last thing I want to hear is that one of my own kind is now in a coffin permanently.

Bloodsucking Legends from Around the World (Part I)

So, it's been over a month since I last posted, which means I am a very bad blog mistress. Which also means that, for the next few months, I'm going to be posting like a mad vampire. I have a lot of things to ramble about; you've been warned.

But first I must say that just recently I was on vacation with the family unit. I was outside for about ten minutes eating lunch one day, and the most horrible thing happened: I tanned. Oh, it is awful! That's the price a vampire has to pay; go outside for a few minutes and wind up with your skin a lovely shade of golden brown. Sigh. Well, while I go look up different skin lightening techniques, please enjoy this post on one of the creepiest vampire myths I have ever come across:

The Penanggalan

This particular legend originates from the Malay Peninsula. The Penanggalan is a detached female head capable of flying around while it's inner organs dangle beneath it (picture above; image courtesy of google images), and these organs apparently light up like fireflies as it flies through the night sky (Oh, maybe that's where the sparkly vampire thing came from! Pretty morbid if you ask me...)

According to folklore there are quite a few origins for the creature. The Penanggalan is often described as a beautiful woman who obtained beauty or supernatural powers through black magic or a pact with the devil. Naturally, this kind of thing rarely works out and the woman is forever cursed to be a blood-sucking monster. One version of the tale says that the Penanggalan was once a beautiful preistess who was taking a bath in a tub of vinegar. While bathing and being in a meditative state a man enters the room and startles her. She jerks her head to look up and it is pulled right off of her body. The priestess is engraged and attacks the man (i.e, her head flies at him). With this particular legend the Penanggalan carries an odour of vinegar wherever it flies.

Once daylight comes around the Penanggalan must soak it's organs in vinegar in order to shrink them so they may fit back into it's body. During the day the creature looks like a normal woman, and the only indication is that unmistakable vinegary scent.

The victims of the Penanggalan are traditionally pregnant women and young children. The Penanggalan will perch on the roof of a building where a woman is giving birth, screeching when the child is born. It will then insert a long, invisible tounge into the house to lap up the new mother's blood.


To protect against the Penanggalan, people would scatter the thornly leaves of a certain plant that would scratch and injure it's organs. Sometimes these leaves would be wound around window frames to ensare it. Families would plant pineapples underneath their houses (traditional Malay houses are built on stilts), and the prickly fruit would deter the Penanggalan from entering through the floorboards. Once captured a Penanggalan can be killed with a machete, and as an extra precaution pregnant women may sleep with scissors under her pillow, as the creature is afraid of them. Either that, or you find it's body and fill it with glass, therefore preventing the Penanggalan from returning to the body.


So yeah, that's about it. Pretty creepy, right? Excuse me while I go plant pineapples around my bedroom window...