The Vampire is Just Not that Into You (Review)

Yet another review (aren't you lucky?), this time for a book that I find very, very amusing. I first found it in my library's 'teen non-fiction' section, between books on how to deal with peer pressure and puberty. (Naturally it was later moved to the 'teen humour fiction' section.)

The Vampire is Just Not that Into You is written by Vlad Mezrich, a vampire and undead dating specialist, and this book is a handy guide for teenagers girls on, well, how to date a vampire.

The book is divided into three sections: part one deals with first of all snagging the vampire of your dreams. How can you tell if he's really a vampire, and not some mopey Goth kid? What are some ways to get his attention? Part two gives you tips on how to keep your vampire once you've started dating. And part three? Well, it's full of reasons why vampire-human relationships never work out and how it's always the human's fault ('cause, you know, you guys eat and breath and that can get annoying.)

Mezrich's work is full of quizzes, diagrams, charts and real-life testimonials from human girls and the vampires they've dated, and provides a ton of amusement (at least for me...). How do you dress when going to meet his parents? How should you act when hanging out with his (undead) friends? What are some behaviours of yours that really bother him? What are some items you should carry around in case the breakup gets really messy? This handy guide provides all the answers!

Now there are a few things I don't really like about this book (such as how vampire-human relationships never work out, when obviously they do), or how it mentions that vampires sparkle and play baseball (though that's probably just to make fun of a particular "vampire book series" that we all know and love). But I'm willing to put that aside and enjoy reading. I'd definitely recommend this to anyone who has thought about dating a vampire. Because remember girls: "Once you go vamp you never decamp".

Sweet dreams are made of this

A few weeks ago I went with a friend to see the movie Suckerpunch, and was completely blown away. It was really good; much better than I had been expecting. Thus, I have decided to post a review (isn't that something most bloggers do? Review a bunch of things. Hmmm...) (Image source: google images).

The movie starts out with a rather sad scene, in which the protagonist Babydoll and her young sister discover that their mother has just died. The deceased woman in question leaves her inheritance to her daughters, much to her husband (and the girl stepfather's) rage. He lashes out and in a series of unfortunate events while trying to protect her little sister Babydoll winds up in a mental institution.

Of course, it isn't your average whacky shack; it actually seems to double as a brothel, for some odd reason, which seems quite disgusting, but all of the girls seem to have a really close-knit bond and try to help each other get through the hard times. Babydoll becomes close to a few of the girls: Rocket, Blondie (who has dark hair, I might add), Amber and Rocket's older sister Sweet Pea. Shortly upon arriving Babydoll also discovers that she is scheduled for a lobotomy in only a few days, and plans to escape before then.

One day young Babydoll is asked to dance to some rather provocative-sounding music. As she does so she retreats to a fantasy world within her mind. There she meets a strange man who tells her she must find five things in order to find freedom: a map, a key, fire, a knife and some secret item that only she can supply. She then has to fight a group of monsters (yay action scene!).

Back in the real world Babydoll tells the others about her plan and they agree to help her get the items. Each time they plan to get one Babydoll provides a distraction by dancing, and each time she dances she is transported to the fantasy world which loosely reflects the real one. Throw in some German corpses kept 'alive' by steam power and clockwork, a vengeful mother dragon, some robots and some pretty insane plot twists, and you have Suckerpunch.

I, personally, loved the movie. It was unlike anything I'd seen in a long time. I've heard other people say it's too 'confusing' or it seems like some stupid movie only 14-year-old anime fans would like because it features a girl in a skimpy schoolgirl outfit wielding a katana. I, however, beg to differ. The feel of the movie is what got me, a world in the past that is mixed with elements of the future. Not really Steampunk (though a little to some degree), it also brings in sci-fi, fantasy, burlesque and Gothy elements and places them into a nice little package that doesn't seem like a bunch of random crap thrown together blindly in order to seem cool. That, and the soundtrack is pretty neat too.

In other news, there's another movie coming out next month that I must see called Priest. A post-apocalyptic vampire story? Yes, please.

Well... that was a surprise.

Again with my ultra-creative titles!

Mortals, I have been nominated for a Versatile Blogger Award... strange considering I don't think I'm very versatile. I rant about crap. But then again, who am I to judge? I was nominated by a very lovely miss. Here, have a link to her blog!: http://p2pthedailylife.wordpress.com/ Thank you very much for nominating me! And recognizing my warped sense of humour! (Truly, I am flattered!) Now, onto the rules of this award:

1. Thank and link the person who nominated you. Which I have done. Quite fabulously.

2. Share seven random facts about yourself.

3. Pass the award onto fifteen "blogging buddies". (Hmm. That's a... cute word. Wait... fifteen? How am I supposed to get fifteen??)

4. Contact said "buddies" (...) and congratulate them. Again, Hmm....

Okay, so... seven random facts.

1. I am a vampire. (I know I know. Not very 'random' or surprising... but hey. It's a fact).

2. I can't remember what my natural hair colour is. I think it's a light brownish blonde... or something. I don't know. It's black-blue-green right now, that's all I can say.

3. I think type O blood is the nastiest stuff on earth. Seriously. It sucks, and not in an awesome vampire-type way.

4. If I didn't have to go to school and could focus all my efforts on doing things that are really important to me... well... I'd be an airship pirate by now.

5. My biggest guilty pleasure would have to be those cheesy supernatural romance YA novels. Why? 'Cause they make me feel smart? No... that's not it... because they are all amazingly well-written and have incredibly deep plots and well-rounded characters? Ha, fat chance.... Guess it's a mystery...

6. I have a t-shirt that says I ♥ VAMPIRES on it. And I wear it proudly. Damn proudly.

7. I'm really on a mini tophat/parasol/bustle kick lately... and I don't really know why.

Now, for my fifteen blogs.... oh, who am I kidding? I don't know fifteen blogs. I don't read that many. This is going to be a challenge...

The Ultimate Goth Guide

A lovely and very informative guide to... something... I think it starts with a 'g'...

http://ultimategothguide.blogspot.com/

Club For Change

A club at my school that I am a part of. We talk about our 'missions' for the club and whatnot. Hopefully it'll get more active...

http://clubforchange.blogspot.com/

The General Specific

Or whatever..... A mortal friend's tumblr, full of interesting thingy-ma-bobs.

http://my-name-is-strange.tumblr.com/post/4700038641/biostar-cristian-blanxer

Hmm... three. I guess that's a start. I'll probably be updating this as time goes on and I find more blog-type-thingies. Until next time!

Changes and Friends

New blog layout! ('Tis fabulous, no? {Or would that be fang-ulous? I dunno...}) As well, my name has been changed. I am now Lucidia LeFang. Why, you are now asking yourself, did I change my name? The answer is quite simple, actually.

I've been hanging out with a lot of other fledgling fangs lately (they're all under 50 years old, which means they don't treat me like dung beneath their pointy-toed boots). (Yes, I hang with other vampires. I'll talk more about them later). Anyway, their names are Crowler, Rasputin, Alora and Brutus. Hardcore, I know. Those are their birth names, bytheway (I know right? I am TOTALLY jealous. But more on that later as well...) So we were talking, and they decided I needed a new name. One as flamboyant and boisterous and dark and mysterious as my vampire self.

Thus, Lucidia LeFang. I think it suits me well, don't you? Yes, yes you do. Or else.

Now, onto the information regarding my newfound vampiric pals. It all started one night while I was out flying. I'm not to good at flying yet, so I've been heading out on every clear night to practice. Unfortunately, that night I had accidentally run into a stray storm cloud, which messed around with my vision and sense of direction. And then I ran into Brutus.

It was a head-on collision, and we both hit the ground. Of course, since we're both immortal, we weren't hurt. But that didn't stop him from yelling at me, which was quite scary.

Let me tell you something: I'm a blood-drinking creature of the night. Do you think a lot of things scare me? No, not at all. But Brutus did. He's a good six-foot-four, with black eyes and the sharpest fangs I've ever seen. He has no hair (shaves his head) and was wearing a very matrix-style trench coat at the time. Anyway, he was yelling at me and making an un-Godly racket, but then he stopped. He smiled suddenly and said: "Oh, you're a vampire, too! My bad!"

Well no shit sherlock. I was just flying 'cause I'm a duck. (If it looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck, then it's obviously a vampire).

So anyway, he introduced himself. When I told him my name, he snorted and had to hold back a giggle or something, the ass. He then informed me that my name "wasn't very vampire" and proceded to mock me. Just like a jerk would. (As you can plainly tell, I don't like Brutus very much.) But since he was the first young vampire I'd ever met I decided to hang out with him. We flew around and he taught me the coolest tricks on how to avoid clouds and hitching rides on airplanes. He also taught me a thing or two about vamp-slang, because (apparently) that exists. We then flew back to his place (he has a very messy coffin, BTW. Worse than mine), which is where I met Alora, his girlfriend and the only girl in their group. And then Crowler and Rasputin showed up, and Brutus announced that I needed a new name.

The End.

I'm super excited that I met them, of course. I can FINALLY use the phrase "spooktacular" and not be stared at like a crazy person. We've hung out several nights, which is awesome to say the least. Now if only I could convince them to get facebook...

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

You know what I love? More than bloody smoothies, a walk through the cemetery under a full moon, or that new coffin smell? That one day of the year, when ghosts and goblins and faerie princesses stalk the earth in search of the sweet treats that will satisfy their unholy hunger, lest they play all sorts of devious and destructive tricks? Yes, I'm talking about Halloween.

But what do I love so much about this glorious day? Trick-or-treating? Not so much. Seeing as this year was the first time I went. Yeah. Long story. As for what this vampire does like about Halloween:

~Scary Godmother.

BEST. FREAKING. SHOW. EVER. SERIOUS BEANS YOU GUYS. For those of you who haven't seen it (which you should!), it's an animated holiday TV special that only comes on around October 31st, about a girl who meets a friendly witch (her "Scary Godmother"), and is transported to the realm known as the Fright Side, where she meets a whole host of monsters who seem creepy at first, but are actually really friendly. I suppose it teaches a lesson about not judging people based on how they look or some crap like that. I don't know. I just watch it because it's been my favourite Hallow's show since I was little. Oh, yes. Those vampires are damn awesome.

~Decor shopping.

Because, really. Do you guys know of any other time of the year when EVERY store will have fake black roses, rubber bats and plastic skulls to decorate my room with? Because if you do, you should tell me. That'd be pretty cool.

~I get to wear a costume...

...without actually wearing a costume. Yeah, I get to go out in full vampire garb: cape, fangs, blood-red eyes, "Save Gas Ride a Vampire" t-shirt. It's awesome. Plus, you puny mortals have no idea that I really am a ravenous, blood-thirsty walking corpse. Which is also awesome. Go me.

~The Monster Mash.

They play it on the radio. 'Nuff said.

Well, that is all for now! See you lovelies lay-tar!