The Vampire is Just Not that Into You (Review)

Yet another review (aren't you lucky?), this time for a book that I find very, very amusing. I first found it in my library's 'teen non-fiction' section, between books on how to deal with peer pressure and puberty. (Naturally it was later moved to the 'teen humour fiction' section.)

The Vampire is Just Not that Into You is written by Vlad Mezrich, a vampire and undead dating specialist, and this book is a handy guide for teenagers girls on, well, how to date a vampire.

The book is divided into three sections: part one deals with first of all snagging the vampire of your dreams. How can you tell if he's really a vampire, and not some mopey Goth kid? What are some ways to get his attention? Part two gives you tips on how to keep your vampire once you've started dating. And part three? Well, it's full of reasons why vampire-human relationships never work out and how it's always the human's fault ('cause, you know, you guys eat and breath and that can get annoying.)

Mezrich's work is full of quizzes, diagrams, charts and real-life testimonials from human girls and the vampires they've dated, and provides a ton of amusement (at least for me...). How do you dress when going to meet his parents? How should you act when hanging out with his (undead) friends? What are some behaviours of yours that really bother him? What are some items you should carry around in case the breakup gets really messy? This handy guide provides all the answers!

Now there are a few things I don't really like about this book (such as how vampire-human relationships never work out, when obviously they do), or how it mentions that vampires sparkle and play baseball (though that's probably just to make fun of a particular "vampire book series" that we all know and love). But I'm willing to put that aside and enjoy reading. I'd definitely recommend this to anyone who has thought about dating a vampire. Because remember girls: "Once you go vamp you never decamp".

Not vampires, but very confused faeries.

We've all heard about it. That story, staring a young Mary Sue who meets and falls in love with a mysterious Marty Stu. After pages and pages of Mary Sue's descriptions on how gorgeous "Marty" is, she finally discovers the truth- he's a vampire.

...

Oh, really, now?

I first read this book as a human. And I loved it. The characters were one-sided, sure (hence the "Mary Sue"), and the plot left a little to be desired, yet my twelve-year-old mind was convinced that this story was good.

Now, however, I see things differently.

First and foremost, I must address the topic of sparkling. What the bloody hell was that? I never payed much attention to it before, but now that I happen to be one of the undead I find it insulting. It's border-line racist! The "vampires" in this book are obviously very confused faeries. Very, very confused faeries.

The topic of sparkling ticks quite a few vampires off. Why? Because once upon a time when you saw a vampire in sunlight, a human would ask "Why aren't you burning?" Now, they ask "Why aren't you sparkling?"

...?!

(Excuse me while I grit my teeth in annoyance and try to regain my composure.)

Granted, vampires don't burn in sunlight. We are nocturnal by nature and do happen to be sensitive to light, but we don't burst into flames. BUT SPARKLING?! Where'd you get that idea from? WHERE?! I've been trying to think of a logical explanation for this theory, but have found none. The closest I got was a Jamaican legend of a blood-drinking monster disguised as an old woman who would shed her skin at night and become a ball of light. But that's still closer to burning than sparkling.

Ugh.

Okay, I'm gonna drop this topic before things turn nasty and I start swearing like a drunken sailor. So how about we talk about the good things that came from this book?

Firstly, it has given me more confidence as a writer. I mean, seriously. If Smeyer can get published, I know I can! What does annoy me, though, is the fact that her book was written within three months. I've been working nearly three YEARS on my novel. Of course, I want my characters to have actual personalities. So. Yeah.

Another thing that makes me squeal with delight? Vampire-themed merchandise. Back when I was a human goth, I'd squeal with delight at the sight of a necklace with a vampire-fanged pendant, or a t-shirt with the phrase "Vampires Suck" on it. And now that I'm a vampire goth... well, I still pretty much squeal with delight. Though not as loudly. My squeals of delight are sometimes too high-pitched for mortal ears to handle. Yes, I roll my eyes at some merchandise, but for the most part it's fun. It makes me feel wanted, as I highly doubt I have to worry about being chased out of town by a mob with pitchforks and torches if my vampire-identity is discovered. People love the undead nowadays.

Hmm... well, that's all I can think up for good things. I'm still reeling over the whole "sparkling" nonsense. SHEESH!

So, the moral of this story: if you like sparkling faeries who think they're vampires and teenage girls with absolutely no thoughts of their own, then this book is right for you! (And me! ... What? Am I not allowed to like it?)